Does this really make me look weak?

2 I work on an oncology floor.

I have been present at many deaths, and have always been in control of my emotions.

Last week, I worked with a pt that I have know for some time. My age, similar backgrounds and experiences--only she has a disease that is ending her life prematurely. She went down on my shift within a few hours and was switched to comfort care measures only.

Telling her brother that she was non responsive was one of the most difficult things I have done. I cried. Not out of control but it was obvious by looking at me that I had cried. (one of the banes of my life--fair skinned and crying leaves tell-tale signs) I handled my job well, and if pts asked me what was wrong, I replied that sometimes sad things happen on our floor.

One of my fellow nurses said showing signs of crying made me look weak and that I might have lost respect from my patients. I don't agree/ I think that showing signs of caring is a good thing. I didn't lose control. I managed my job well. Both the family/Dr and I were glad that I was that woman's nurse.

Do you think showing signs of (managed not uncontrollable) grief or stress "weakens" us in the eyes of patients?
In my opinion, no. It would make you look HUMAN. If you are still able to fulfill your duties, that is all that should matter to your patients/ co-workers.

Well that nurse is a total B**** in my book. She'd hear about it from me and never say something like that to anyone again.

Wow, I would never think that. My eyes have watered a couple times (but I hid it)... even if I didn't and was able to do my job well, and not become hysterical... I don't see a problem with it. We are human, we feel sadness and other emotions. I think it shows you are compassionate... that you really care.

Actually 'she's' a he--and he's a great guy. He was very supportive of me and helped me out that day. He genuinely believes what he said, and didn't say it to me in a snarky manner. He told me of a time when he cried at the loss of a pt at work. And how he determined he would never let that happen again because of the reasons I listed above.I don't agree but I did wonder how others think about it.

Well then, he was speaking from a "boy" brought up not to cry point of view. Probably felt like a sissy when he cried, due to his upbringing. But, he was out of line, still, but not a B**** I guess

Quote from NanikRNActually 'she's' a he--and he's a great guy.

You are not weak, you are caring and human.To have a connection with the patient but stand aloof is trying. Then as in your experience I met someone similar to me as well in a hospice situation. We could have been twins. When she passed I cried ... I am human and was faced with my own destiny so to speak. Then the questions come; why so young, why such a nice person and then we cry. If we didn't well ... what a mess that would be.As a nurse we can't cry all the time (stiff upper lip and all that) but certainly in selected situations it's allowed. It actually shows people we are human.

Crying is not a show of weakness, no matter what your gender. Sad things happen in hospitals. I have less respect for a nurse who can just breeze through a death without a ruffle, business as usual. Most of us didn't get much training in death and dying. And even if you see it all the time, it should never be so routine that one has no feelings about it. Not that every nurse needs to be tough and gruff., nor should we be balled up in the corner wailing. Just show some empathy. If that empathy comes with tears, so be it. Your colleague was probably trying to be helpful, but I think he was off base.

Nanik-Please allow me to give you my two cents on this very personal issue, and I apologize in advance for the lengthiness. I used to be a graphic artist for Kodak. I was paid to play all day. It was awesome! Both of my parents were professionals and didn't really see the value of artistic work. My dad was a lawyer, my mom was a cancer researcher. Because of my mother, I was always intrigued with medicine. I used to accompany her to her lab as a child and she would show me how to use a microscope, and how to identify microorganisms. She even taught me how to prepare an agar plate for cultures.Mom was dx with Stage IV renal small cell ca at the age of 50. Her prognosis was 6 months at best. She lived for a year, in large part because she loved to give the finger to someone who told her what she 'couldn't do'. When Mom was in the last stages of death, the whole family was in her room as she was dying. My dad, my mother's best friend, the hospice nurse, and all 4 kids held hands, encircling her bed as the priest read the Last Rites for Mom. It was only when I looked over at the hospice nurse; this angel in my eyes who had given the moon and the stars to my mother during her illness, was absolutely dependable when called upon, was strong, intelligent and composed at each visit, that I realized how much she cared for my mother-her patient-as I witnessed her sobbing along with us. Her unabashed emotions struck a deep chord within me and something 'clicked.'I enrolled in nursing school as soon as I returned home from Mom's funeral. That was 17 years ago. I am forever grateful to that wonderful hospice nurse for showing that she cared. She cried with us. She didn't try to hide it, she didn't try to be the 'strong rock of reason'. She was HUMAN. She changed the course of my life simply by showing how much she cared for her patient. There is something to be said for having restraint in your emotions when dealing with a heartbreaking patient. You should be professional, of course. However, shedding a tear when you see your pt leave this world is never something to be regretful about.

I've cried a few times. It doesn't show that you are weak, only that you are human.

I cried a few times with the family. Not gulping sobs and or tears, but wet eyes and a sniffle. I haven't had one tell me yet that I was weak. If anything, I got thank you cards for being the best nurse they had worked with.

I have cried many times and I do not think that it makes me a weak or bad nurse. There are just too many heartbreaking situations that I have come across while working. However, death does not always make me sad. There are many cases where it was a true blessing and on the inside I am happy for that poor soul that was finally able to find peace. I do mourn for the family that will miss that person.I think the fact that you were able to cry with the family makes you a careing nurse. Do not let what that other nurse said to you get to you. Men in general just look at things differently than women do.