The Humorous Nurse Speaks

A woman came to me to learn how to stop her continued breast milk production, 6 months after she stopped nursing her baby. I asked if she ever thought of just giving the milk to her son, since she was still producing so much. "Isn't it bad by now?" she asked. I asked her to clarify, and she thought the same milk had been sitting in her breast all this time, and must surely have curdled long ago!

When I was a nursing student during the Jurassic Age, my surgical follow-through was having a cholecystectomy. The doctor explained that they would be removing her gall bladder. She had no questions for the doc, but as soon as he left, she asked me how she would pee if they took her bladder away. It took me a moment to realize what she meant, and I gave her an anatomy lesson.She was very much relieved.

Your story about Margaret made me laugh. Kinda wish I hadn't been eating cereal when I read it though.I should know better than to read here while eating.Thanks for the laughs

If I had any memory left, I might could share something. Thanks for giggles!

Thank you for another witty article, VivaLasViejas.I must admit that this one was too cute and very funny!

Ones I hear quite often are "I have ammonia" (pneumonia) and "I've been vomicking." (vomick instead of vomit.)

Took me years to figure out what my little old ladies meant when they said they had "the piles" Which would be hemorrhoids for you that haven't figured it out yet.It also cracks me up to hear the different things that some very dignified women have come up with to call their vaginal area.

Quote from VivaLasViejasOne night after she had her milk of mag, she gave birth to an eight-pounder in the shape of an exclamation point. I couldn't help asking Margaret to tell me how she'd done that. "Big deal," she sniffed. "I was actually going for a bow, but didn't make it."

Quote from Hygiene QueenI laughed so hard, I ended up having to read that out loud to my husband and kids!Hilarious!Made me think of our pt who had managed to pee on the chuck pad in the perfect shape of the Dairy Queen sign.Why is it that the stupider something is, the harder I laugh?

There are too many stories working in LTC...There are some parts of growing old I can't wait for! Like speaking my mind about anything and everything.You may have had to be there. Today at work, it was busy, we were short, and we were all kind of "dead" -- you know the feeling. Just worn out.So it's lunch time, and there are 5 aides sitting at our feeder area when one of our LOL has an extremely bad coughing spell. The LOL sitting next to her, who NEVER talks, looks over at her and exclaims "Put your arms in the air!!" she reached over and grabbed one of her arms and held it in the air. So I have my one lady still coughing just as hard with her arms all shakin in the air, and the other one yelling that her elbows aren't straight enough so she isn't getting enough air. It was quite the sight.We were all in tears.

One of my favorites was actually from a LTC job...pediatric/psych nurse by training and preference, so it wasn't my forte...loved my residents, just not the 30 patient med pass twice a shift, etc. But I was managing to get some charting done and a LOL with the aggressive sort of dementia was ranting and raving from her Broda chair as usual. Administration had constantly been telling us we weren't "handling" her properly and that was why she attempted to beat the crap out of anyone who displeased her. I even had to go to "remedial" training after she scratched me when I went to keep her from falling. But one of the administrators comes around, and in a sickly-sweet, too syrupy even for an infant voice says, "Good EVENING, [name], how ARE you?" In the first clear words we'd heard out of her all night, LOL replies, "Why don't you stick your thumb up your ass and twirl around on it?"My friend from that place and I still laugh, years after we left.

I was taking vitals on an elderly patient. Before I began taking vitals, she asks "Do you want me to take my shirt off?" I politely (trying my best not to laugh) tell her that isn't necessary. The next question: "Want me to take my bra off?" I nearly lost it. Sometimes I wonder how we can all contain laughter, even in the most hilarious situations. Love reading everybody's stories! Thanks for sharing!