Coming out of the darkness

This was me. Exactly. Completely. Only difference is that my baby was born in 2009, but the OB and relatives were the same. It wasn't until I failed 2 semesters of school and passed out 4 different times from dehydration/nourishment that I was able to get the help I really needed. ...I loved the article. Wonderful. Thank you for writing it.

Tears sprang to my eyes as I read this story....it evokes so many memories of the PPD I went through with my own babies. It got progressively worse with each one until I reached the point of psychosis with my fifth and last child.Now, back in those days mothers really didn't talk about PPD, didn't really even know it existed......we just called it the "baby blues" and hid the fear and sadness inside. All I knew when I was suffering through that last episode was that I was an evil human being and a terrible mother for even thinking the thoughts that raced through my mind. I had horrid, grisly fantasies of taking my precious son out to the train tracks behind our apartment complex and kneeling down in front of an oncoming train with him in my arms; in fact, there were several scenarios I imagined over and over again, each of which was very graphic and ended with both of us dying in a spectacularly violent manner.In retrospect, I realize that this was the beginning of a long road that eventually led to my bipolar diagnosis in early 2012. It took me that long to be able to speak of this, even to my husband. I was that ashamed of it. I never would have lifted a finger to harm my son, but for those awful months I was so fearful of doing so that I wouldn't even touch him if we were alone in the house....thankfully, that was almost never.Now, doctors and nurses talk to women about PPD and psychosis every day as part of their patient education. Celebrities such as Brooke Shields and Marie Osmond have stepped up and talked about their experiences, and so have brave women like our own BCgradnurse. There can never be too much information or too much help for new mothers struggling with these disorders. Thank you, BC, for sharing your story, even though it must have been gut-wrenching to tell. Bravo!!!

"Nothing relieved this darkness that I felt was swallowing me whole". I suffered from PPD after the birth of my second child 20 years ago and this describes exactly how I felt. I even work in psychiatry and was reluctant to seek help. I was never suicidal but I did reach such hopelessness that I finally understood why people kill themselves; anything to end the misery. That realization was what sent me to my doctor.I was started on an antidepressant which was effective. After a few months I literally felt like a 100 lb weight had been lifted from me. I had 2 more children but thankfully only dealt with "the blues" after their births.The blessing through this was it made me a better psych nurse. I never before understood how someone could be so selfish as to attempt to take their own life. When you are barely grasping a high wire by one hand, letting go and ending the pain can seem the only way out.One of our docs was recently feeling a bit...burned out. He was telling me he wished he had become a fireman like he had always wanted. I told him "You help bring people from the darkness of such despair, that death beckons as a welcome relief. You've probably rescued more people than any fireman has". I meant it because the doctor who rescued me from that pain and darkness is my hero. Beautiful article, thank you for sharing.

Excellently written and highly informative. Thank you for shedding light from the point of view of a professional and a patient on this often misunderstood and occasionally ignored problem.

Beautifully written BC! Thank you! It sure is hard taking care of another life when yours feels like it is skidding away from you. Thank you for sharing this!

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm a nurse that recently started working in Postpartum. I will think of your story when assessing my patients. I don't want to miss any pertinent info. that may signal post partum depression. I want to make sure they don't feel alone and have all the resources they need.

Thank you for writing this. I also had PPD, albeit probably a result of my later diagnosed bipolar disorder, but the feelings of hopelessness and failure as a mother were there. I had problems breast feeding as well, and that compounded the problem. I'm happy you found the help you needed and are willing to share your story in hopes that other mothers won't have to suffer as you did.

Thank you for this wonderful article about post partum depression. While I am fortunate enough to not have experienced it, there are those who will benefit from your experience and be able to relate to what happened to you. I applaud you for your bravery and candor so that others might avoid the pain you have gone through. Bless you!

Thank you BC for a very well thought out, well written article.Takes a lot to share such a personal story.God Bless you my dear.

I went through a different type of depression with my first pregnancy (1998). I went into a major depression when I got pregnant due to a chemical imbalance, but it was the same affect. I ended up taking Prozac throughout my pregnancy, which I wasn't thrilled about, but I did it for the sake of my baby because I too wanted to end the suffering only the Prozac didn't work for me. This went on for 3 months. I have had a total of 4 of these episodes in my life, which took a total of a year of my life from me. They were all due to hormonal changes occurring in my body. I don't know what has changed, but I haven't had one of these episodes since 1999. Hormones can do ugly things to women.

Thanks for sharing this story!

Yes! Thank you! I also suffered from severe PPD after my 2 children and was SO ashamed to have the feelings I had. I took me years to realize I wasn't a bad mother and to not feel guilt. I am SO thankful for my Dr and my therapist for helping me get past it and move on to bigger and brighter things!