Please critique my application essay?

I'm applying for a really intensive Critical Care Fellowship in my area - I made it into round 3 of 4 last time, but was not chosen for the Fellowship. It opens back up for application in another month, and so I wanted to get as much feedback over the next couple weeks as I can on different areas of my application.

One was my essay. The topic: "1-2 page typewritten essay discussing your interest in the Fellowship program, your interest in critical care, and your suitability for the program."

This is the one I sent with my last application. I fear I spend too much time discussing things that aren't really important to my interests, and I actually feel a little...narcisstic for discussing grades in it, but before I rewrite, I wanted to get a few opinions.

Thanks for any and all suggestions. I'd love all the criticism you can throw at me.

Attached Files

• Critical Care Essay.doc (28.0 KB, 512 views)

I am not someone who is a decision maker in hiring, BUT, you got a lot of problems with this letter IMHO.-You spend a lot of time talking about things that nobody cares about. They are mundane things that many people experience. You need to talk about why you are different. You need to cite clinical experiences if you have any that affirmed your desires for CCU.-Nobody cares that you were bored with your first stint in college. Acually, THAT WILL WORK TO ELIMINATE YOU FROM CONSIDERATION.-Don't talk about your family, working, school and moving - all this nobody cares about. You are not updating your cousin you haven't spoke to in years about what you've been up to!!!! and blah, blah, nobody cares.-You need to tell them that you know the bar is set very high and tell them how you intend to approach the challenge of a CCU fellowship. Be concrete.-That part about not wanting to work in LTC... get rid of all of it. Nobody cares what you don't want to do. This is only about the fellowship, nothing else.-Then, you can give AEB, of your abilities. Better be good. Not just school was hard, I had to work hard and stay up all night... blah. We all have to do these things.-Let them know what you as a nursing professional will CONTRIBUTE TO THAT UNIT. Its all about that, really it is.-Write a business letter! You cannot write a give me sympathy/hard knocks letter. You are speaking to business people who want you to be an adult in every single way.-REMEMBER THIS, YOU ARE NOW IN THE ADULT WORKING WORLD.
Thank you! A lot of that, I figured, but I'm glad for the specifics you gave. My initial problem was that I converted a financial aid essay (which is where the hard knocks bits came from) to my critical care essay without thinking directly about the differences in application.
Financial aid vs. application to specialty = very different.Agree with all that Netglow said, and...Also will add:Paragraph 5, rather than saying you "never felt challenged" (sounds egotistic), say that your "thirst for knowledge exceeds the information provided in such-and-such LPN program" - Do you see how "never felt challenged" criticises the program, while "thirst for knowledge" plays up your strengths?Paragraph 6, in your work at the Urgent Care center you "have learned so much"...like what? How about: "In my work at Such-and-Such Urgent Care Center, I have learned basic triage skills, prioritization of tasks and time management. I also find my self fascinated by the cases I see and eager to learn more." Perhaps tell a story about a case you saw that particularly illustrates your "interest in critical care." (always go back to the 'assignment'.Paragraph 7 about tutoring & first in your class is pretty good, however they will probably have your transcript and GPA so no need to repeat. Just slip the tutoring (and maybe class ranking) in elsewhere.Good luck.
I really like those points! Thank you so much for the examples. I've been trying to figure out better ways to explain my (admittedly meager) experience and talents in a way that isn't off putting, and the way you explained clicked more for me.