A jaded nurse who cried last night and was renewed as a nurse

118 Premise, I'm an "old" nurse and hate sappy threads, never read them, so if you're reading this and your new, or old and jaded, thanks for "listening". If you're an oldie like me, please consider reading through my long post.

To preface after 15 years in, all pretty much ICU, I've been there done it... and it doesn't differ from any nurses experiences in any area that you work. This isn't about the technology and high tech care, it's about being a part of a patient and family experience that changes you. I feel a strong need to share it, because I've cried tonight and haven't for many years.

Please allow me to share my low points to understand me....I deal with death every day, it's routine. As a new nurse I'd go home and cry, lately I can't recall a patient name that has past. I've been long since burnt out but an expert, taking the sickest with the poorest prognosis, repeatedly to train our youngest. I've been numb for years. Survival, yes... but numb regardless.

I've been going through the motions for several years, exhausted from patients who need a respectful death that aren't allowed one due to poor physician conflicts with death and dying that don't paint an accurate picture to families, to families that trach and peg their 101 year old mother.

Family that dishonor a living will and won't let go to family that keeps the patient alive for a social security check. Non compliant frequent flyers that either suck off the system or just lack any drive to help heal and maintain their own diseases. I've been burnt out, giving quality care without my heart in it.

Last night, a patient who never should have survived his last admit, was readmitted and intubated on the spot. With only one lung, a pneumonia in it and a loculated lung infection ... we were going the wrong way quickly. His wishes with an underlying lung cancer were to fight to the death, put in writing in a HCPAO, his wife.

I remembered him, and wrote him off as dead his last admit, but he recovered and spent a week at home, his wishes with his devoted wife caring for him acting as a nurse, hanging IV meds and fluids, wiping his tush, begging him to eat and fight, were to fight to the end.

Over only eight hours, I grew to know this man, understand the devotion that they shared, as the wife had said... "her sole mate". while I made futile attempts to stabilize him, the wife shared countless stories about him, their marriage in the hospital, and their two year old son.

Obviously he took a turn for the worst, and all respiratory interventions, pressers and what not could turn him around. When code status had to be addressed, his wife stressed, no matter how hard it would be on her, we were to do everything to honor his wishes.

Long story, not so short; the wife's brother, her "rock" had arrived and she kissed the patient and told him she was stepping out for a minute, her brother arrived. My patient chose this time to die, with in moments of her leaving he went PEA and we coded him to no avail. With his wife and sister at the bedside during the code, they were comfortable letting him go at a point that was futile.

His wife shared with me that my patient told her, he would never die while she was there................. He WAITED until she left the room, knowing that her support system had arrived and she would be "okay".

This beautiful wife, said to me, "he would have loved you, because you took care of me and treated him with love and respect". Then she hugged me and thanked me for "being there for them".

So in closing, it's so rare that I see everything happen for a reason, everything pan out as it should, even in the worst case... and I was absolutely blessed to be a part of their care, even though I couldn't "save"him... I really made a DIFFERENCE in their lives. How astounding!

I am renewed that I really do make a difference, and I'm not a customer service person for numbers and press gainey scores. I was deeply reminded why I haven't quit and mentor our future generation of nurses, I sincerely hope that we all have more monumental moments like this that keep us at the bedside, my wish to you, my fellow nurses Thank you for reading about my night and allowing me to share it with you.
Thank you for sharing. Isn't awesome how God's timing works... not only for the patient and his wife but also for you. Your story helps me to remember the most important thing about being a nurse, the compassion and ability to make a difference in someone's life without even trying to. God bless you!

Thank you for sharing. What we do, day in and day out, becomes routine for us. It is easy to forget that sometimes it is not so routine for others involved. The smallest of gestures can have a profound impact on the other people affected by the situations we try to address.

My husband does not understand why I read the obituaries. I do this because of the numerous Hospice and pallative patients that I care for and I like to think that I helped them move on... I have been a RN since 97 and hope that I can continue to be as caring as I can and realize we do make a difference in someone's life...

Thank you for sharing your story! It always amazes me how God and/or fate will step in sometimes and put you back on track. After it's all said and done, you have a sudden insight- a revelation that makes sure the true meaning hits home.I too have gone through periods of disillusionment. Whenever that happens, I take care of a pt whose situation changes it all OR I read another nurses story that puts it back into perspective for me. That's always the best therapy.So again, thank you for sharing. These moments are what make us all better nurses (and people), IMO.

Thank God for Nurses like yourself

Thank you so much for your story!! Like you I'm one of those "oldies" in the profession and have worn many many hats. There are instances in my time as an RN I will never forget and always that one pt that stays in your memory and your heart for all time. Mine was in my first year out of school (28 years ago) working in the CCU/ICU. Gentleman with end stage cardiomyopathy. He had decided on my arrival one morning he wanted to be able to go with his dignity and his way. He asked me to remove his O2 and allow him to sit up, let his feet touch the floor, and have that "last" cigarette. I called the MD who agreed as fortunately this Cardiologist was a very compassionate one. Other nurses were having a fit with me as I proceeded to do as he asked. I searched down a smoker to get that "last" cigarette! Off went the O2, sat him up, his feet hit the floor and he showed the biggest smile I ever seen on a pt. Gave him the smoke and a light. He took a few puffs, said thank you and layed back down. About 1 hour later he coded. He had decided that morning to become a DNR. Back in these days we didnt allow family in the room and my charge was literally blocking the door refusing to allow the wife and daughter in the room. I put my tail on the line and literally removed her from the doorway, escorting the family in the room with a statement to the charge "This man will not die alone!". I then left the room no allowing any staff in so the family could be with him as he left this world. A week later I recieved 2 dozen of the most beautiful roses I believe I have ever seen from this family with the most heart warming letter. I still have that letter. When I get discouraged and feel as you described as jaded then I take out that letter. It has renewed me year after year and I will never forget.

absolutely beautiful!

That was great, real not sappy.

so very touching!! thank you!

That is one of the most hauntingly beautiful stories I've ever read. What a blessing for all concerned, that you were there at that moment in time.......you were the right person, in the right situation, with the right frame of mind, acting in the right spirit. Thank you for sharing this experience, and may God bless you abundantly!

It wasn't sappy at all. Quite beautiful, in fact, and one of the reasons I'm still nursing (still happily) for the last 20+ years. Just when you think you've had enough and you start thinking you've hit the wall for sure and it's time to get out, you get one of these patients and suddenly you're that bright and shiny new nurse again, still in awe at the terrible beauty of life and of being a privileged witness to its coming and going.Thanks for sharing.

Thank you for sharing. That was lovely.