What is the funniest thing a patient has ever said to you?

3 Was looking after a patient with a heart monitor on round his neck & he had to keep it on for 24 hours. He asked if he would be able to make love to his wife with it on! Well the doctor was there and said I don't see why not, then the patient said he would have to get his wife to get on top so he didn't bang her in the head with it! Got embarrassed at that but we all had a good laugh.
Can't wait to hear the responses here!!!

When I explained to my fresh MI patient, having had a fun night of viagra... then took his nitro with his chest pain, that all was well but "you can't take both, it drops you BP, if your having chest pain with regular sex, you need to be cleared by cardiology"He replied... "I can't do it without the pills (viagra) and then I can't finish without the NTG" "you people are killing my sex life", "you're never happy""we'll no sir, we desperately want you to have a full sex life, after cardiology works you up and clears you.....""babe", he says, "I'm ready at any moment and don't need a doc to high five my bo@@r", "works just fine".YIKES that man knew what he wanted, and it was discharge papers before the viagra wore off!

A Friend of mine has recently been experiencing chest pains after sex. Humm I tell her..that must be some real good stuff..calm down a little there..save some for later, she say "He.. no!..I want it all now"..Two weeks pass by, I ask her if she is still having the same chest pains, she responds yes. I say time to go to Doc to get your heart checked out..She goes, With her Husband in Tow...Doc asks "so when you experience these types of symptoms?" Husbands answers for the wife..with a smile on HIS face "Her orgasms are really intense..don't change a thing"...My Friend says the Doc had to excuse himself from the room quickly!

During a clinical at a gastroenterology office, this lady comes in for a pre colonoscopy examination. The doctor goes in, comes out and asks the nurse to set it up and give her the script for the colon cleanser. She hands it to me, I go in and give it to her, and explain all about the Pre op regimen, then she stops me and says"I just had a knee replacement, don't you think we should wait until it heals?""Well, it won't hurt it, but are you on any pain medication?""Yes. Should I take extra for when I'm on my knees?""Er, I'm sorry?""My husband had one before and he told me all about it. When I go in, get on my knees and bend over with my hands in front of me, do you think it will hurt my knee?"I nearly died then and there. It was all I could do to drum up an excuse to leave the room!

Oh, my goodness... I'm cracking up over here! I wish I had a good story. I'll have to think about it...

I had a post gastric bypass patient who refused to eat jello beacuse "it won't melt in my stomach." Ice pops were fine and would melt but jello stays a solid. Everytime I see jello I think of her and laugh.

Quote from vhern246During a clinical at a gastroenterology office, this lady comes in for a pre colonoscopy examination. The doctor goes in, comes out and asks the nurse to set it up and give her the script for the colon cleanser. She hands it to me, I go in and give it to her, and explain all about the Pre op regimen, then she stops me and says"I just had a knee replacement, don't you think we should wait until it heals?""Well, it won't hurt it, but are you on any pain medication?""Yes. Should I take extra for when I'm on my knees?""Er, I'm sorry?""My husband had one before and he told me all about it. When I go in, get on my knees and bend over with my hands in front of me, do you think it will hurt my knee?"I nearly died then and there. It was all I could do to drum up an excuse to leave the room!

My current favorite, courtesy of a morbidly obese woman whose catheter was leaking. I was explaining irrigation and blockages to the daughter and when I changed the bed bag the daughter handed me the garbage with a disgusted look on her face. Her mother looked straight at her and said "What are you looking like that for? Aint nothing wrong with my p---. Girl, my p--- is like holy water."

Was taking care of a man going through DT's one time. He had been screaming and yelling crazy things all morning. Went in to do some care and as calm as could be he looked up at me and said "the devil is down in Texas, or it could be Oklahoma" I said "I agree it could be either one"

Over the phoneNurse: "He's stable"Family member: "He's on the operating table!!!"

I've only had twelve days of clinicals so far, so nothing hilarious, yet. I did introduce myself to one of my patients and said I'd be there all day to help with his care. He starts laughing and says, "Good, now you get to see what I have to put up with all day!" I later found out what he was talking about when a very rude nurse came in to check his ostomy site and was outright hateful to his wife. Poor guy. At least he still had his sense of humor.

The funniest was when my husband became my patient... He had just had an orthopedic op, and I received him in the recovery room. Still sleepy, he asked me, "Are you going to give me a blow job?" "Shhh" I said, "there's other people around, they can hear you." At which he replied, "Are you going to take turns?"