Patients We All Know and Love

Mine is the home health patient I had, who swore she self cath'd every 5 minutes. She had enough UTIs to substantiate that, too. She'd conned a doctor at a midwest prestigious medical institute, to give her a colostomy for her constipation!Whenever she tired of self cathing, she'd call the agency for her favorite nurse - me, to put in a Foley. I'd get there, and she'd say she changed her mind and didn't want it. 2 hours later, I got the phone call for the Foley - again! Needless to say her insurance wouldn't pay for all the visits and somehow I got wound around her little finger and accompanied her and her husband to the big city, to care for her postop following a vulvectomy - don't ask!After 2 more days recovery in a luxury hotel room 26 floors up, her husband became competative for attention and threatened suicide by opening the stupid French doors leading to a fake balcony. I called 911, and we all got thrown out...I'm happy to report, post script, that she eventually became sane enough to have the colostomy reversed, and caths only every half hour following intensive bladder training. Her vulvectomy healed without incident (a miracle, given her spare hygiene).

Somewhere in there between Pampered Princess and Drama Queen...Somebody's Baby. She's young, has several tattoos, a nose ring and a belly ring. She cries when the blood pressure cuff inflates, and jerks her arm away with a scream when you try to start an IV, thereby insuring that you have to poke her AGAIN. She has a needle phobia and can't handle pain. I'm really puzzled how the Tats and the body piercings got there...And she calls for her Mamma, squirms and screams that she's going to die as the anesthesiologists tries to start an epidural.

The Dysfunctional Matriarch -- this is the grandma/greatgrandma to an improbably large brood of individuals who all insist on staying with their venerated progenitor around the clock, sleeping in shifts, keep a book listing everyone who's come in the room, what they did, what they said, and then quizing you on "Well, Sissy Sue said X 3 days ago, and now you're saying Y...." Change in condition, ever heard of it?They will also blatantly ignore fluid restrictions, diet orders, activity orders, and refuse to allow you to turn the Matriarch because she's comfortable....and then go ballistic when things go wrong because of what they wouldn't allow you to do....document, document, DOCUMENT.Man, I'm just tired thinking about those....

By the way....VivaLasVegas should write a book. I'd buy it.

I'm working on one as we speak. These are great, folks..........please keep 'em coming!!

It sure is amazing the different people and/or personalities you meet at work.

Viva you will have to let us all know when you get this book pubished!

Let's not forget Susie Sundowner. She's as cool as a cucumber all day long. Let 1430 come around, she's popping up from her w/c like popcorn, challenging your facility's no-restraint policy. And, her son, who loudly denies that anything is wrong with mom. He challenges your every move to properly medicate her and keep her from falling for the nth time this month. Oh yes, then months later, Denying Son calls up and asks you to "do something for her!"

Quote from liebling5Let's not forget Susie Sundowner. She's as cool as a cucumber all day long. Let 1430 come around, she's popping up from her w/c like popcorn, challenging your facility's no-restraint policy. And, her son, who loudly denies that anything is wrong with mom. He challenges your every move to properly medicate her and keep her from falling for the nth time this month. Oh yes, then months later, Denying Son calls up and asks you to "do something for her!"

Stinky Sam- only gets a shower/wash down when he's admitted. You can gauge how long since the last admission by the dirt build-up. His arrival to your unit is announced by the smell as he comes off the elevator. He isn't homeless, dementia or drug addict, he just doesn't consider personal hygiene a priority.

What about Non-complient Norman?He's the man in his 70's - 80's, no living wife. Usually admitted because his family practice doctor risks running a lawsuit from the family if he continues to treat Norman. Or, because Norman's son who lives 600 miles away just got home for his yearly visit. Norman has diabetes, CHF, and probably severe hearing loss, but you can't ever be sure because he's so stubborn and ornery anyway.He refuses all care by sealing his lips tightly shut and glaring at all nursing staff. Sometimes he can be coaxed into taking his meds, but usually only after a solid 1/2 hour of begging on the part of the nurse. You personally think the only reason he actually swallowed that metformin was just to make you shut up!He never wants to get out of bed, he never wants to go to PT, (hell, or even to the bathroom.) He has a son and a daughter that come spend about 20 minutes a day with him. They usually spend about half of this time trying to convince the nurses that he "really isn't that difficult, he's just very independent." They spend the other half of the visit looking uncomfortable and making inane remarks every now and then about the weather.Non-Complient Norman will probably be discharged to a transitional care or LTC home. You can't wait for him to go, to be somebody else's problem. However, you also feel a little proud of him, for being such an ornery old codger all the time. You've seen the occasional twinkle in his eye when he's giving someone an especially hard time. You've seen him roll his eyes at his daughter-in-law when she wasn't looking. You know you'd probably be a real pain-in-the-___ if you were laying in that hospital bed too. You understand each other perfectly.

Ms. Stupid or otherwise known as Ms. Munchausen by proxy: Cannot read and write, refuses to allow her child to be seen by female doctors; runs around in full course makeup with a crop top and hot pants (weight est: 200 lbs), and demands that her child's IV be changed (all of 6 hrs old, "I'm his mother and I know what he needs. I want it changed now!) then stands at the nurse's station and cries, "my baby, my poor baby." It is all about her and not her child. She tells us how to do our job, and tells the doctor, the radiologist and anyone else she comes into contact with, how to do theirs. When we got testy after the 20th room page to ask for a straw or a new phone (she broke 3), she demands, "I want to talk to the owner of the hospital!"