"It isn't your mother; it's the disease"

All I can say is hugs to you Ruby

I can tell you have been through a lot. I actually admire you because I think you are a survivor. It sounds like you are doing your best. What else can you do. By the way, my mom is in a home also with dementia and the big A. She has been pleasant most the time but there has been periods of agitation. She was a loving mother and did everything right and she still ended up in a home. She is there not because I am a bad daughter but because she needs to be safe. Anyone who has any opinions about "how I could possible do that" please keep quite about it. This is difficult enough for me and my family, all of us doing our level best with her, without remarks from people who have no skin in the game. PS Thanks for reminding me what a lucky person I was to have hit the jackpot in the mother lottery. If there is one thing we can not do it is pick our parents. I advise anyone who got less than perfect parents do what Ruby does and survive and prosper as best as possible. PS Don't be to hard on staff that make the text book approved statement. It is what all the EXPERTS tell you to say.

All I can say is AMEN sister! I was always reminding my team not to judge that family/family member who visits very little..or at all. Some of the residents had sons, daughters, grandchildren, siblings etc that NO ONE realized b/c they never came around. I would always hear "how can she live with herself..she rarely comes around and never stays more than 1/2 hour"I would gently remind them that they did not know the person that, that son/daughter etc knew. That there might be a reason they never come around..or very little. That "sweet, loving" little old lady or man might have been a tyrant in their younger years..they might have been physically and/or mentally abusive to the kids etc. And even if miss sally or mr joe are 'with it' A&O x3, and are just the sweetest most loving people to us..that might not be how they were toward the family (funny thing about that..you never know what goes on inside someones home!)No one understands my distant and somewhat cold attitude toward my own mother..she truely is one of the nicest most loving and giving person ever..to OTHER people..NOT to my sister or me! And sadly, I can say with almost 100% certainity, that me and my sister will be "those daughters" who rarely come around and only stay for a short period of time....you don't know..what you don't know. So don't judge that absentee family member!

Quote from oramari can tell you have been through a lot. i actually admire you because i think you are a survivor. it sounds like you are doing your best. what else can you do. by the way, my mom is in a home also with dementia and the big a. she has been pleasant most the time but there has been periods of agitation. she was a loving mother and did everything right and she still ended up in a home. she is there not because i am a bad daughter but because she needs to be safe. anyone who has any opinions about "how i could possible do that" please keep quite about it. this is difficult enough for me and my family, all of us doing our level best with her, without remarks from people who have no skin in the game. ps thanks for reminding me what a lucky person i was to have hit the jackpot in the mother lottery. if there is one thing we can not do it is pick our parents. i advise anyone who got less than perfect parents do what ruby does and survive and prosper as best as possible. ps don't be to hard on staff that make the text book approved statement. it is what all the experts tell you to say.

Quote from ct pixieall i can say is amen sister! i was always reminding my team not to judge that family/family member who visits very little..or at all. some of the residents had sons, daughters, grandchildren, siblings etc that no one realized b/c they never came around. i would always hear "how can she live with herself..she rarely comes around and never stays more than 1/2 hour"i would gently remind them that they did not know the person that, that son/daughter etc knew. that there might be a reason they never come around..or very little. that "sweet, loving" little old lady or man might have been a tyrant in their younger years..they might have been physically and/or mentally abusive to the kids etc. and even if miss sally or mr joe are 'with it' a&o x3, and are just the sweetest most loving people to us..that might not be how they were toward the family (funny thing about that..you never know what goes on inside someones home!)no one understands my distant and somewhat cold attitude toward my own mother..she truely is one of the nicest most loving and giving person ever..to other people..not to my sister or me! and sadly, i can say with almost 100% certainity, that me and my sister will be "those daughters" who rarely come around and only stay for a short period of time....you don't know..what you don't know. so don't judge that absentee family member!

There's really no reason your GYN or anyone else has to know your mother is in a home, is there?I know your history with your mom from reading your articles and I know it all weighs heavily on you and you have a lot of hurt and anger inside. But talking to strangers about it means you're bound to get varied responses, some not to your liking. So why invite trouble? Just blow off steam here, maybe, and don't deal with live people about it. Maybe that will be easier.

I was once told a story about a woman that was raped by her father, and she became pregnant as a teenager and forced into an abortion. Yes, how DARE she not visit her poor old father! I try to not make assumptions about a persons reasons for not visiting their parents.

I never assume it's the family being "mean".Old does not equal sainthood.I have seen far far far too many elderly, who look "cute as pie", that were actually terrorists to their children.Had a very sweet looking old man who would look at you with puppy-dog eyes, begging for pity and hugs. If you knew what he had done to his daughter, you would NOT think it was so tragic that he was alone and that his family couldn't give two s***s about what happens to him.I'll even place bets there is a darn good reason 90% of the time that family chooses to stay away.Yes, I'm a cynic.

Although I was blessed with a truly wonderful mother and always had a loving respectful relationship with her the same could not be said of her mother. My grandmother terrorized, abused and vilified my mother her entire life. Granny treated her three sons well and treated her daughter like crap. The stories of abuse were horrific and the saddest part to me was how my grandfather justified my mothers suffering in the name of preserving his marriage. He had gone through a traumatic divorce in his childhood (in early 20th century divorce was a scandal) and for fear of experiencing the social stigma of his wife leaving him he allowed his wife to mistreat one of their children.People from outside the family constantly praised my grandmothers "good works", charitable efforts and fine moral standards. If they could have heard how my grandmother talked about her peers, how she mocked, disrespected and cursed them to make herself feel superior I think they would have seen her with an unjaundiced eye. My grandmother only backed down from two people in her life: my father and myself. She made the mistake of speaking harshly about my mom to my father at the beginning of their courtship and he blocked my grandmother from our home for years; actually until my mother asked him to relent years later. She said a truly vile thing about my mother to me when I was 16. I slapped the taste out of her mouth. I am not particularly proud of being physically aggressive but it shocked my grandmother so badly she walked on eggshells around me the rest of her life.When my grandmother was terminal and needed more physical care than my grandfather could give she begged to move in with my parents. I was years out of home but I came home as much as possible to help my mom and to keep an eye on my grandmother. After Granny had been there about 3 weeks I came to visit to find my mother sobbing and my grandmother cussing at my dads's boss on the phone. I took the phone out of her bedroom, sat my mom and dad down and told them Granny was leaving. Then I told Granny she was leaving just as soon as I arranged a placement at a local nursing home. She turned pale and said nothing.We did visit her regularly until she died because my mother still hoped for acceptance I guess and she still harbored some love for my grandmother. I did hear the aides talking outside the room a few times about how mean my grandmother was. And surprisingly hardly any of her old cronies could be bothered to come see her in her final days. Seems she had started letting her true nature show as she got sicker and folks stayed away.Sorry for the long story. I have waited for years to write about that. The lessons I learned from my grandmothers cruelty were many but some of the pertinent ones are that my mother made a conscious choice to not be abusive to her child despite how horrible her childhood was, that many people can be weak for fear of being alone (my grandfather) and that eventually ones true nature will show through. So I never judge anyone for not visiting their elderly or their disabled family members because I don't know what might have happened behind closed doors.So Ruby do not feel guilty nor that you are not doing enough. You are doing what you can given the circumstances and at least you are according your mother and mother in law dignity by ensuring they are in a safe, secure and appropriate place receiving professional care. You really don't owe them more than that no matter what anyone else says. It is not the childs duty to care for the parent but rather the parents obligation to be the best parent they can be to their child IMHO.

I visited my grandmother a few times over the years, after she was placed in a nursing home. I felt very little emotion towards her and only visited as a kindness. She lived in our home for many years after her husband, my grandfather, dumped her on my parents. When I came home from school every day (both my parents worked at that time), she would ask my brother what he wanted to eat, he was her favorite, and she would proceed to cook him a delicious, fresh meal. We girls ate microwaved Lean Cuisine from the freezer.You can't judge another person until you literally stand in their shoes. It's true.

The only family members I tend to judge as a LTC nurse are those who visit for a whole two hours on Easter Sunday every year and proceed to tell us what a lousy job we're doing and how we ought to be taking care of their "loved one".

My grandmother ruined my parents marriage, she has accused me to my face of not being my father's child, and she has done much worse to other members of my family, my father chose his mother over his wife and children. Later on he realized his mistake too late, but my mother wouldn't take him back. My grandmother tried very hard to ruin her other childrens marriages. Yet when he lay on his deathbed and was calling out for her, his own mother stood in the doorway and walked away and his daughters were the ones who stayed with him to the end. My husband has made it very clear that she is not welcome in our home, and we have never visited her nor seen her since the day my father died, though she has asked to see me. She can call out for me, just like my father called out for her for all I care. Some wounds run deep.The sad part is, Grandma looks like the sweetest nicest old woman you would ever meet. She used to work for a nursing home back in the day...and all the retired nurses can't understand why her granddaughter that is a nurse has nothing to do with her. I get cards all the time, telling me she's getting frail, and I really should check up on her from xxx RN, or xxx LPN. They just don't get it.