The Red Nike Tennis Shoes

Sometimes you just can't. Don't feel bad. Don't beat yourself up. We all have days like that.

Thank you, that is kind... we just have to do the best we can as we can, right?

I could hardly read your story and am still crying. Way too close for me. My kids still grieve the loss of their friends from a similar accident. My son saying good bye to his brain dead friend in ICU. My daughter still remembering the anniversary of his sister's death every year. The fund raiser to help the parents pay for the funeral expenses of THREE of their children. I've had to tell myself many times, you're a pro and you will handle this. But nope, I don't think I could have done it either. Sometimes we just can't.

You did what was best for you and the patient and family and that is a wise nurse. It was a decision actually based on knowledge of yourself and your strengths and limitations. My dad's best friend lost his son when their car made a 180 and hit a brick road sign surrounding a sidewalk. He was killed instantly when his spinal cord separated from the base of his scull.. There were 4 teenagers just days from starting their senior year in a private Catholic prep school. Two died instantly....one that was not seat belted flew from the back seat through the windshield to the hood of the car. The driver lived for a few days but never again woke.Later it was discovered the driver had used an inhaler, some duster.Our friend not wanting to profit from his son's death took every penny from the insurance he received and set up several scholarship plans for high school students wanting a Catholic education and funded them in honor of his son that never made past sixteen. None of the other teenagers had taken anything illegal or had been drinking. It was only the driver who stopped at Walgreens to get some candy and some duster. The crash site is just two blocks from my house and it took them at least a year to rebuild that large brick road sign...every week when I drive by I think of those three lost lives and remember that one bad decision can cost you your life. Teenagers and others please do not get in the car with anyone who is under the influence or who insists on speeding...it could cost you your life.

This is why I can never work Peds. I'm so sorry, and thanks for writing this. I gave it to my 17 year old son to read.

Some of my best nursing lessons have come from the assignments I was most afraid to take. You are obviously a caring and compassionate person, a necessary trait for an ICU nurse, and you are right, you could have done this if you had to because you are a professional and put patients needs before your own. But know that realizing your limitations as a human being and being able to pass on an assignment to another skilled professional, is equally important. We evolve and change in our profession based on our experiences, you may not have been able to do this assignment on that given day, but at some point you will, and at some point you will step in to help another professional. You did what you felt was best for the patient, family and yourself at that given moment on that given day, not something you should ever feel guilty about.

Libby- now you have me in tears! thinking about your son and daughter's loss - you know how we always want to protect our kids from pain. Thanks, appreciate your supportive insight.

I've read your post three times now. I have no words. It's too tragic and similar to my experience. Your dad's friend is a hero in my book. Peer pressure and teen-age immortality kills.

We all have our breaking points, a true professional can usually get through the worst of it, but sometimes you can't. I have been s police officer for ten years now and have seen hell on several occasions. It never affected me quite like the other night. I broke down into tears as we arrested a male party for oui-drugs b/c he had taken pain pills for his back, never intending to drive; until he found out his 1 month old daughter had been rushed to the ED and was looking at admission to the NICU. It hit too close to home as my daughter (first child) had just been discharged from the NICU.

Hawkesbe, I hope that my sharing has helped you a bit. I support what you did and would have gladly changed your assignment too. I think in healthcare is is sometimes forgotten (not always) that we are human beings too, just doing our best to take care of other human beings during difficult, all the way to tragic times in their lives. I will never forget that tragic loss of young life. My dad's friend also did a local commercial telling his story and urging other young people to think before using any drugs, alcohol or inhalants and then getting behind the wheel of car. I still struggle with the memory when I drive by that wall and I remember his young friends weeping at the grave site as they gently placed their roses on his casket. I remember thinking at the time....this was probably their first experience with death. I can only imagine how difficult it was to see the teenager whose grim future you envisioned. You see the red shoes and I see the wall every time I go to Target, Nordsrtom Rack or Trader Joes and more! I NEVER pass it without thinking about the loss and I use the story to teach my teenager!

Thanks- I hope your son and his friends make good choices.I could never work Peds, either. At one job I had when I was a float LVN going to school for my RN, I was floated to Peds a few times. Giving meds was pretty terrifying (dosing error fear) and seeing a repeat ten yr old cystic fibrosis pt was heartbreaking. And then, sure enough, 3 days after my float, I would always get an URI. Darling little germ manufacturers.

I appreciate this!