Can some one edit my get into nursing school essay? Less than a page long!

It's 3 paragraphs long, 400 words... Just need someone to look it over for me
i dont have the ability to private message people? i guess...so here is my essay, you can pm me the edited?Describe a significant challenge that you have faced and how you addressed this challenge, the reasons why you have chosen nursing, what strengths you bring to the profession, and why you want this program.The challenge I have faced and the reason why I have chosen nursing coincide. I attempted nursing school in the past at a different school, however, the high cost of private school made completing my wish very difficult. Growing up, I was a very shy child, it wasn’t until my first year of nursing school that I broke this shyness and began to develop more confidence in myself. During my first clinical rotation at an assisted living facility, my instructor made us all dive in, quite a sink or swim approach. This intimidated me greatly, I was unsure if I was going to make it through the semester! I discussed my anxieties with my instructor and she came into the patient’s room with me to start. I introduced myself to the patient and she gave me the biggest smile and said that I reminded her of her daughter. That immediate connection gave me great confidence. As I sat and talked with my patient, I looked up to see that my instructor had left and I had preformed my physical assessment and history assessment all by myself without an ounce of anxiety. I will never forget that first patient experience and the confidence she gave me. While not all my patients in my 4 previous clinical settings were as supportive as her, I have developed great interpersonal skills and have dramatically overcome my shyness.My original reason for choosing nursing was because ever since I can remember, I always had curiosities about the human body. As I grew up, my curiosities for the body turned into curiosities on diseases. My reason for choosing nursing was solidified because in high school I was a caregiver to my grandmother who developed Pick’s Disease and suffered a strong battle with dementia. Being able to assist her with everyday things was extraordinarily difficult, but looking back on it, it was a highly rewarding task. Strengths I feel I can bring to this profession are the skills I am currently learning as a CNA on a busy hospital floor, a strong affinity for people, a great interest in the human body, sciences and learning and finally a headstrong personality.I want this program because I want another shot to further the career that I already immerse myself in several days a week. I want another shot at the career that changed my life from day one.

Quote from SamiSNi dont have the ability to private message people? i guess...so here is my essay, you can pm me the edited?Describe a significant challenge that you have faced and how you addressed this challenge, the reasons why you have chosen nursing, what strengths you bring to the profession, and why you want this program.The challenge I have faced and the reason why I have chosen nursing coincide. I attempted nursing school in the past at a different school, however, the high cost of private school made completing my wish very difficult. Growing up, I was a very shy child, it wasn't until my first year of nursing school that I broke this shyness and began to develop more confidence in myself. During my first clinical rotation at an assisted living facility, my instructor made us all dive in, quite a sink or swim approach. This intimidated me greatly, I was unsure if I was going to make it through the semester! I discussed my anxieties with my instructor and she came into the patient's room with me to start. I introduced myself to the patient and she gave me the biggest smile and said that I reminded her of her daughter. That immediate connection gave me great confidence. As I sat and talked with my patient, I looked up to see that my instructor had left and I had preformed my physical assessment and history assessment all by myself without an ounce of anxiety. I will never forget that first patient experience and the confidence she gave me. While not all my patients in my 4 previous clinical settings were as supportive as her, I have developed great interpersonal skills and have dramatically overcome my shyness.My original reason for choosing nursing was because ever since I can remember, I always had curiosities about the human body. As I grew up, my curiosities for the body turned into curiosities on diseases. My reason for choosing nursing was solidified because in high school I was a caregiver to my grandmother who developed Pick's Disease and suffered a strong battle with dementia. Being able to assist her with everyday things was extraordinarily difficult, but looking back on it, it was a highly rewarding task. Strengths I feel I can bring to this profession are the skills I am currently learning as a CNA on a busy hospital floor, a strong affinity for people, a great interest in the human body, sciences and learning and finally a headstrong personality.I want this program because I want another shot to further the career that I already immerse myself in several days a week. I want another shot at the career that changed my life from day one.

Thank you lucky0220 and mazy!! Really appreciate the feedback

In reference to "made you do it" I would chose different verbage. ie, My first clinical rotation was at xyz ALF and my instructor had us dive right in on day one, or something.Also, a headstrong personality can be a great asset, but "headstrong" might come off in a way you dont want it to. Persistance, perhaps?Also...a strong battle? long? challenging? Just a thought. Good luck, future commrade

"My original reason for choosing nursing was because ever since I can remember, I always had curiosities about the human body. As I grew up, my curiosities for the body turned into curiosities on diseases."You might want to reword this. There is a definite "creepy feel to it. IMHO. Maybe it is the word "curiosities" that gives me the shivers.

If I worked in admissions I'd reject anybody who sent an essay like this. Scrap all the negatives you write about:Shy (even if you aren't now, no need to tell them you used to be)Poor performance in LTC clinical (great reason to send you a rejection letter as soon as they read that)financial problems (makes them think there's no reason why you won't have financial problems this time around too)didn't complete first program (they know that, you don't have to write about it and tell them more)Curiosity about the body (makes you sound like a creep, like you just want to see people naked to do experiments on them)Headstrong personality (that's a negative term)Turn all the negatives into positives, or just scrap them. Change it to these main points:Took care of grandmother, rewarding experienceWant to be a nurse because you want to help people in a meaningful wayFeel ready at this stage in your life to take on the challenge of nursing (a positive way to allude to the fact that you didn't complete your first try)Became a CNA, enjoy working with LTC patientsCaring, Determined, inquisitive, helpful personality

Personally, I found the part about taking care of your grandmother to be the most interesting part of your essay. If this were my essay, that would be the focal point (the challenge), and I would expand on what you learned from that experience, how it shaped you as a person, and how it made you want to get into nursing. What made it a rewarding experience?Or if you are opposed to that, I'd say expand on how you developed "great interpersonal skills" through your clinicals. Most likely they want specific examples of how you were able to overcome any hardships.Other than that, I do agree with the other posters in that, "curiosities about the human body" does sound a bit off. Good luck to you!

Thanks canesdukegirl for your great feedback! I really appreciate your willingness to help! Thank you everyone else for the feedback, I'll try rewording the body statement... I hope you all understand what I was actually getting at...

I was unsure whether my use of headstrong was appropriate or not... I'll dig out the thesauraus!

Quote from netglow"my original reason for choosing nursing was because ever since i can remember, i always had curiosities about the human body. as i grew up, my curiosities for the body turned into curiosities on diseases."you might want to reword this. there is a definite "creepy feel to it. imho. maybe it is the word "curiosities" that gives me the shivers.

I wanted to stray from saying I enjoy helping and caring for others.... I can only imagine how cliched that sounds to admissions

Okay, so scrap that. I was mainly trying to help reword the part everyone says is creepy. Maybe you'll get some other ideas from posters soon.